Today we bid farewell to one of the best finger pistoliers in the game. With the retirement of Detroit Tigers’ manager Jim Leyland, we as a nation lose one of baseball’s true gems. In the champagne-soaked metaphor above, Leyland moonwalks back out of the frame with his pistols blazing, as if to remind us, “though my own presence will fade, finger pistols live on forever.”
Another day, another athlete gunslinger. Pictured at far left — doing some type of nonsense with his hands — is Kendrick Perkins. Perkins recorded the worst Playoff Efficiency Rating in NBA Playoff history this past season. Kevin Durant — pictured at right, wielding a double barrel finger blaster — is the three-time NBA scoring champion. Coincidence? I think not. Behold the power of the finger pistol.
As evidenced by his repeated attempts to sink his teeth into the flesh of opponents, Uruguayan footballer Luis Suarez is a certified crazy person who clearly needed a more constructive method of self-expression. Behold this changed man, who once was lost, but has once again risen to glory with the aid of finger pistols!
This submission comes to us straight from the Holy Land, where this hairpiece-wearing, cape-draping, pistol-blasting young man ponders, “If Israel and Palestine simply exchanged their heavy artillery for finger pistols, wouldn’t the world be a better place?” Proof again that finger pistols are the key to world peace.
Texas Tech football had an 8-5 record in 2012, and finished tied for 5th place in the Big 12. But if wins and losses were calculated (more appropriately, in my humble opinion) by the amount of finger pistols your team fired, then you gotta think Texas Tech would be ranked #1 in the nation.
You can understand why Moses was FIRED UP to receive the Ten Commandments from the Big Guy Upstairs, but in his rush to share them with the people he actually missed the final commandment written on the back:
11. When thou shalt fire finger pistols, thou shalt do so while wearing artificial hairpieces and drinking green apple-flavored Joose, babay!!
After four years of “studying” at an institution of higher learning, by all means, break out those finger pistols and fire away, baby!! Just remember: when your commencement speaker is the Secretary of Defense (accompanied by his Secret Service goons) exercise caution with where you point those bad boys.
The three pillars of the Seattle Police Department are - according to their website - to fight crime, reduce fear, and build community. I’m not sure how well they’re doing on the first two, but as for the third? There is no tighter community than one where you can fire your finger pistols at a lady cop and have her hit you right back with double pistols blazing.